E1 · Great Listener Card

          WHYZMEN · GUIDE CARD · SESSION 4                               WHYZMEN · GUIDE CARD · SESSION 4
  E1      The Great Listener Card                                E1      The Great Listener Card
 Use it when… any conversation that matters — in your           Use it when… any conversation that matters — in your
 triad, at the table, on the phone.                             triad, at the table, on the phone.
1 · YOUR POSTURE — BEFORE YOU SPEAK                            1 · YOUR POSTURE — BEFORE YOU SPEAK
Curious, not clever. Present, not preparing your reply.        Curious, not clever. Present, not preparing your reply.
Slow, not solving. Aim for understanding, not agreement.       Slow, not solving. Aim for understanding, not agreement.
Your job is not to fix, judge or impress — only to             Your job is not to fix, judge or impress — only to
understand.                                                    understand.
2 · OPEN THE DOOR                                              2 · OPEN THE DOOR
• “What’s on your mind?”                                       • “What’s on your mind?”
• “What’s been most important to you lately?”                  • “What’s been most important to you lately?”
• “What chapter of life does this feel like?”                  • “What chapter of life does this feel like?”
• “What’s been hardest — or most meaningful — about            • “What’s been hardest — or most meaningful — about
  this?”                                                         this?”
3 · SHOW HIM YOU HEARD HIM — THE CORE SKILL                    3 · SHOW HIM YOU HEARD HIM — THE CORE SKILL
Mirror          Repeat his last few words, with curiosity.     Mirror          Repeat his last few words, with curiosity.
                “Not feeling needed?”                                          “Not feeling needed?”
Label           Name the emotion, gently. “It sounds like      Label           Name the emotion, gently. “It sounds like
                you’re carrying a lot.”                                        you’re carrying a lot.”
Summarize       Meaning plus emotion, in one sentence. “So     Summarize       Meaning plus emotion, in one sentence. “So
                you’re trying to do the right thing, and you                   you’re trying to do the right thing, and you
                feel stretched.”                                               feel stretched.”
The goal is to hear him say “That’s right.” Not “you’re        The goal is to hear him say “That’s right.” Not “you’re
right” — that ends the conversation. “That’s right” opens      right” — that ends the conversation. “That’s right” opens
it.                                                            it.
E1 · The Great Listener Card (back)                                              E1 · The Great Listener Card (back)

4 · LISTENING OR FIXING?                                                         4 · LISTENING OR FIXING?
Two different superpowers. Only one of them works in a triad, and                Two different superpowers. Only one of them works in a triad, and
only one works at home.                                                          only one works at home.
 LISTENING                               FIXING                                   LISTENING                               FIXING
 Seeks understanding                     Seeks solutions                          Seeks understanding                     Seeks solutions
 Slows the moment                        Rushes the moment                        Slows the moment                        Rushes the moment
 Builds safety                           Can trigger defensiveness                Builds safety                           Can trigger defensiveness
 Honors the person                       Focuses on the problem                   Honors the person                       Focuses on the problem
 Is often enough                         Often comes too soon                     Is often enough                         Often comes too soon
WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE                                                              WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE
 LISTENING                               FIXING                                   LISTENING                               FIXING
 “Tell me more.”                         “Here’s what you should do.”             “Tell me more.”                         “Here’s what you should do.”
 “That sounds hard.”                     “That’s not a big deal.”                 “That sounds hard.”                     “That’s not a big deal.”
 “I hear you.”                           “You’re looking at this wrong.”          “I hear you.”                           “You’re looking at this wrong.”
 “I’m on your side.”                     “Let me explain.”                        “I’m on your side.”                     “Let me explain.”
5 · BEFORE YOU OFFER ANYTHING                                                    5 · BEFORE YOU OFFER ANYTHING
Help, or just heard? Ask: “Do you want help with this, or do you                 Help, or just heard? Ask: “Do you want help with this, or do you
want to be heard?” If he says heard, that is the work.                           want to be heard?” If he says heard, that is the work.
Slipped into fixing? “Sorry, I shifted into fixing. Let me try that              Slipped into fixing? “Sorry, I shifted into fixing. Let me try that
again.” Repair builds more trust than perfection.                                again.” Repair builds more trust than perfection.


 THIS SKILL’S PRACTICES S3 Let them finish · S6 Reflect it back                   THIS SKILL’S PRACTICES S3 Let them finish · S6 Reflect it back
More in the Toolkit: 1 · Listen                                                  More in the Toolkit: 1 · Listen
Adapted from Chris Voss (Never Split the Difference), David Brooks and Michael   Adapted from Chris Voss (Never Split the Difference), David Brooks and Michael
Bungay Stanier.                                                                  Bungay Stanier.
WhyzMen · Rewire Retirement · Card E1 · r4                                       WhyzMen · Rewire Retirement · Card E1 · r4