Guide card
E7 · Ask Clearly
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E7 E7
WHYZMEN · OPTIONAL CARD · SESSION 10 WHYZMEN · OPTIONAL CARD · SESSION 10
Ask Clearly Ask Clearly
Use it when… you need something, or need to say no. Use it when… you need something, or need to say no.
“Speaking the truth in love, we will grow.” “Speaking the truth in love, we will grow.”
Ephesians 4:15 Ephesians 4:15
Listening is half the conversation. This is the other half: Listening is half the conversation. This is the other half:
seven steps, D-E-A-R M-A-N. seven steps, D-E-A-R M-A-N.
DEAR · WHAT YOU SAY DEAR · WHAT YOU SAY
The facts only. “We’ve had the grandkids The facts only. “We’ve had the grandkids
Describe Describe
three days a week since June.” three days a week since June.”
One feeling word (card E6). “I feel One feeling word (card E6). “I feel
Express Express
stretched, and I miss days that are ours.” stretched, and I miss days that are ours.”
One clear ask, or a clear no. “I’d like to go One clear ask, or a clear no. “I’d like to go
Assert Assert
back to two days, starting next month.” back to two days, starting next month.”
Why yes is good for you both. “That way Why yes is good for you both. “That way
Reinforce Reinforce
we’ll be glad to see them, not tired.” we’ll be glad to see them, not tired.”
MAN · HOW YOU HOLD IT MAN · HOW YOU HOLD IT
Stay on the one ask. If it drifts: “I hear Stay on the one ask. If it drifts: “I hear
Mindful that. I’m still asking about Tuesdays.” Let Mindful that. I’m still asking about Tuesdays.” Let
jabs go by. jabs go by.
Appear Even voice, eyes up. No apology before Appear Even voice, eyes up. No apology before
confident the ask. Confident is not loud. confident the ask. Confident is not loud.
Give to get. “What would work for you?” Give to get. “What would work for you?”
Negotiate Negotiate
A trade is a win, not a retreat. A trade is a win, not a retreat.
E7 · Ask Clearly (back) E7 · Ask Clearly (back)
THE SENTENCE THE SENTENCE
When (the facts), I feel (one word). Would you (one When (the facts), I feel (one word). Would you (one
ask)? It would mean (the good for us). ask)? It would mean (the good for us).
ASK, DON’T HINT ASK, DON’T HINT
Hint “Must be nice to have a free Saturday.” Hint “Must be nice to have a free Saturday.”
“Would you keep Saturday open for the two of “Would you keep Saturday open for the two of
Ask Ask
us?” us?”
Hint “I guess I’ll just do it myself.” Hint “I guess I’ll just do it myself.”
“Would you take the dishes tonight? I’m wiped “Would you take the dishes tonight? I’m wiped
Ask Ask
out.” out.”
A hint makes her guess. An ask lets her say yes. A hint makes her guess. An ask lets her say yes.
SAYING NO SAYING NO
“No, I can’t take that on. Here’s what I can do: ___.” A “No, I can’t take that on. Here’s what I can do: ___.” A
clear no is kinder than a resentful yes. “Let your ‘Yes’ be clear no is kinder than a resentful yes. “Let your ‘Yes’ be
‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’” Matthew 5:37 ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’” Matthew 5:37
AT HOME AT HOME
If it is tender, listen first (card H1), then ask. She is not If it is tender, listen first (card H1), then ask. She is not
your opponent; the problem is. your opponent; the problem is.
FIRST USE FIRST USE
The request you have been circling: with your wife, an The request you have been circling: with your wife, an
adult child, or a committee chair. adult child, or a committee chair.
More in the Toolkit: 3 · Speak Truly & Encourage More in the Toolkit: 3 · Speak Truly & Encourage
Adapted from Marsha Linehan’s DEAR MAN skill, DBT Skills Training Manual (2nd Adapted from Marsha Linehan’s DEAR MAN skill, DBT Skills Training Manual (2nd
ed., 2015). ed., 2015).
WhyzMen · Rewire Retirement · Card E7 · r2 WhyzMen · Rewire Retirement · Card E7 · r2