Guide card
H1 · Marriage Safe Conversation
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WHYZMEN · GUIDE CARD · SESSION 4 WHYZMEN · GUIDE CARD · SESSION 4
H1 The Marriage-Safe H1 The Marriage-Safe
Conversation Conversation
Use it when… a hard or tender conversation at home. Use it when… a hard or tender conversation at home.
At home the question under most conversations isn’t At home the question under most conversations isn’t
“What should we do?” It is “Are we OK?” “What should we do?” It is “Are we OK?”
Settle yourself Slow your body and voice. Drop the urge Settle yourself Slow your body and voice. Drop the urge
first to explain, defend or fix. Connection beats first to explain, defend or fix. Connection beats
correctness. correctness.
Open gently “What’s been weighing on you today?” · Open gently “What’s been weighing on you today?” ·
“Is this a good time to talk, or later?” No “Is this a good time to talk, or later?” No
rapid-fire questions; no “why.” rapid-fire questions; no “why.”
Reflect what “So you’re feeling overwhelmed.” · “You Reflect what “So you’re feeling overwhelmed.” · “You
you hear were hoping for support, not advice.” you hear were hoping for support, not advice.”
Name the “That sounds lonely.” · “I hear some hurt Name the “That sounds lonely.” · “I hear some hurt
feeling gently in that.” Don’t debate the emotion. feeling gently in that.” Don’t debate the emotion.
Feelings don’t need proof. Feelings don’t need proof.
Reassure the “I’m on your side.” · “You matter to me.” · Reassure the “I’m on your side.” · “You matter to me.” ·
relationship “I’m glad you told me.” This is what makes relationship “I’m glad you told me.” This is what makes
it marriage-safe. it marriage-safe.
If she feels safe, the conversation succeeds — even if If she feels safe, the conversation succeeds — even if
nothing is solved. nothing is solved.
H1 · The Marriage-Safe Conversation (back) H1 · The Marriage-Safe Conversation (back)
Ask before you “Do you want me to just listen, or help Ask before you “Do you want me to just listen, or help
fix think through options?” If she says listen, fix think through options?” If she says listen,
that is the work. that is the work.
Repair fast “I’m sorry — I shifted into fixing. Let me Repair fast “I’m sorry — I shifted into fixing. Let me
try that again.” try that again.”
Close with “Thank you for trusting me with that.” · Close with “Thank you for trusting me with that.” ·
connection “What would feel supportive right now?” connection “What would feel supportive right now?”
AVOID AVOID
“You shouldn’t feel that way” · “Here’s what you need to “You shouldn’t feel that way” · “Here’s what you need to
do” · “I was just trying to help” · “That’s not what do” · “I was just trying to help” · “That’s not what
happened” · silence that feels like withdrawal. happened” · silence that feels like withdrawal.
CELEBRATE WELL CELEBRATE WELL
Good news needs answering too. Not “Oh, that’s nice,” Good news needs answering too. Not “Oh, that’s nice,”
but “That’s wonderful. What was the best part?” — then but “That’s wonderful. What was the best part?” — then
let her tell it again. let her tell it again.
“She doesn’t need correcting. She needs connecting.” “She doesn’t need correcting. She needs connecting.”
THIS SKILL’S PRACTICES S4 Her day first · S9 Three THIS SKILL’S PRACTICES S4 Her day first · S9 Three
Good Things, aloud Good Things, aloud
More in the Toolkit: 4 · At Home More in the Toolkit: 4 · At Home
Gottman, The Relationship Cure; Gable et al. (2004) on answering good news. Gottman, The Relationship Cure; Gable et al. (2004) on answering good news.
WhyzMen · Rewire Retirement · Card H1 · r5 WhyzMen · Rewire Retirement · Card H1 · r5