H3 · Listening vs Fixing

          H3 WhyzMen Guide Card                                H3 WhyzMen Guide Card

          Listening vs Fixing                                  Listening vs Fixing
          Two superpowers. Only one works at home.             Two superpowers. Only one works at home.




 Listening                  Fixing                    Listening                  Fixing
HOW IT LOOKS                                         HOW IT LOOKS

 Curious                    Action-hero mode          Curious                    Action-hero mode
 Calm presence              Interrupts quickly        Calm presence              Interrupts quickly
 Nods and waits             Explains immediately      Nods and waits             Explains immediately
 Builds connection          Solves too fast           Builds connection          Solves too fast
 Still married              Sleeping on the couch     Still married              Sleeping on the couch

HOW IT SOUNDS                                        HOW IT SOUNDS

 “That sounds hard.”        “Easy fix.”               “That sounds hard.”        “Easy fix.”
 “Tell me more.”            “Here’s what you do.”     “Tell me more.”            “Here’s what you do.”
 Silence (on purpose)       Mini TED Talk             Silence (on purpose)       Mini TED Talk

WHAT IT DOES                                         WHAT IT DOES

 Calms emotions             Raises defenses           Calms emotions             Raises defenses
 Creates safety             Triggers conflict         Creates safety             Triggers conflict
 Strengthens trust          Feels dismissive          Strengthens trust          Feels dismissive


  Less fixing. More listening. Longer marriages.       Less fixing. More listening. Longer marriages.
            WhyzMen™ | Wise Men Still Seek                       WhyzMen™ | Wise Men Still Seek
            H3 WhyzMen Guide Card                                     H3 WhyzMen Guide Card

            The “Evoke NO” Code                                       The “Evoke NO” Code
            A marriage-safe cheat code                                A marriage-safe cheat code




People feel safer saying NO than being pushed into YES.   People feel safer saying NO than being pushed into YES.
These questions lower defenses and invite honesty:        These questions lower defenses and invite honesty:

 1 “Is now a bad time to talk?”                            1 “Is now a bad time to talk?”

      “Would it be a terrible idea to just listen for           “Would it be a terrible idea to just listen for
 2                                                         2
      a minute?”                                                a minute?”

      “Are you opposed to me just hearing you                   “Are you opposed to me just hearing you
 3                                                         3
      out?”                                                     out?”

 4 “Is it unreasonable to take this slow?”                 4 “Is it unreasonable to take this slow?”

      “Would you prefer that I don’t try to fix                 “Would you prefer that I don’t try to fix
 5                                                         5
      this?”                                                    this?”

 Why it works: A comfortable NO creates safety,            Why it works: A comfortable NO creates safety,
 autonomy, and trust, and that makes real listening        autonomy, and trust, and that makes real listening
 possible.                                                 possible.



  Less fixing. More listening. Longer marriages.            Less fixing. More listening. Longer marriages.
     WhyzMen™ | Wise Men Still Seek, Knowing Their Whys        WhyzMen™ | Wise Men Still Seek, Knowing Their Whys